I’m just gonna go straight up and say I was never really genuinely happy until recently, when I decided to do something about the lonely life I have led the past years of my life. All those years of wanting to be someone else, I don’t feel them anymore. Gone are the days when I cry myself to sleep thinking I could have been smarter, I could have been someone else whose life matters to millions of people had He given me the life I thought I truly deserve.
Perhaps, He got tired of me feeling lonely every night that He sent me this stranger to help me shift my perspective a little bit to where it is sunny and bright. They say it only takes one moment or one person to change a life forever. That moment to me was when I wrote something in my personal blog last year and received a comment that said “You have such a good heart in such a sorrowful place Jamilah.” I don’t know how it’s even possible but those words ended all the pain and misery. I stopped feeling sorry for myself. I got tired of comparing my life to other people’s lives. Her words nudged me forward exactly when I was slipping away even further from the utmost sorrow imaginable. You know those moments when you just can’t explain it, without logical reasons, you just feel so strongly about something, about someone? It’s not love, okay. It’s like some strong powerful force that you are steered to the right direction.
I started looking at my life alienating myself from that pain of growing up alone. I know people think that they know me but they don’t. People will try to understand me but they can’t. I can sit with you the entire day and talk about me but I’m sorry, I will just make you laugh and you will only end up not understanding me more. You won’t because I don’t really talk. Sometimes, I give away snippets of my life to other people, to people who are important to me, but there are horrible things that have happened in my life that I’d rather keep to myself. And it’s not because people will not get it or get me but because sometimes, some things are better left unspoken.
But just for fun, here are happy memories of me that I read last night from my old notebook. You deserve to know something about me because you’ve come this far, reading this most depressing new year essay ever.
1. When I was in highschool, I would go to church everyday. I didn’t like that there was no pianist during the daily mass in our parish and so I learned playing one using my teacher’s old piano. A year later, I became the pianist to the weekday mass in our parish, attended mostly by grandpas and grandmas. 😄
2. When I was 15, I wanted to go to college after graduating highschool. I started looking for my father, hoping he could support my financial needs. It didn’t turn out well but I did found him in Manila. This story is reserved for my Pulitzer book one day.
3. When I was 16, I badly needed money to pay my tuition fees so I joined a guitar contest and taught my bestfriend to play one because the contest had to be duo. My friend cried after we performed coz she thought she blew it even though we won second place. Haha.
These kind of memories, they used to make me lonely and remind me of how miserable my life was. But now, even if I don’t even recognize that girl in myself anymore, I just admire her and I’m hoping I can be her again.
I would be lying if say I like my life the way it was. All of us are bound to live the optimum life we are all designed to live. I was in pain for a very long time that I understand my life better now. I understand now that not all people thrive when in pain. Some get lost in the process. I graduated three years ago, became a CPA, and I thought I will be happy. All I ever wanted since highschool was to grow old fast so I can finally work and live a happy life. I proved myself wrong in the process. There are no guarantees in life. I succeeded and yet I still cried myself to sleep. I tried saving people but I got lonelier every night. I wanted everything and everyone in my life to be perfect, to be happy. But it got frustrating every day. People disappointed me. Until the good heart in such a sorrowful place happened. I searched and found the pieces of the puzzle. I realized only I can do something about this dangerous life and so I tried living a genuine happy one. I wrote the things I liked about myself. I tried harder to understand people who have not gone through what I have gone through. I listed my to do’s everyday on how to be genuinely happy. Most of them are just little things, actually, like below.
1. Wake up and recite Gina’s mantra: “Today’s going to be a great day. I can and I will.”
2. Listen to the song Helpless every morning.
3. Follow instagram puppies and kittens.
4. Wash the dishes at home without letting anyone see me.
5. Buy extra burger and give it to the jeepney driver. Don’t give him the chance to not accept it. Just say “kuya, i have extra food that I can’t eat anymore.”
6. Leave phone at home when I go to church.
7. Run or walk for 10mins and try to think about just nothing but people around me.
8. Never say “I told you so” to people.
9. Never joke at the expense of other’s flaws (esp. the permanent ones)
10. Say the things you like about someone.
11. Say thank you. Say sorry.
12. Smile at kuya security guard and ate janitress.
13. Smile at everyone in the jeepney.
14. Seat near the driver when there’s no conductor and be the conductor.
15. Laugh so hard until other people will laugh.
16. Read this list every morning.
In 2016, I also wanted to start buying and reading books coz I didn’t want to feel inferior and insecure around people anymore. Brain gaps made me feel I’ve lived an unfortunate life. I bought a total of 84 books and read 52 last year. I didn’t like reading but I conquered books in the hope of becoming someone better. I consider it the best and smartest decision I ever made in my life. When this promise was translated into reality, I got happier. Although at first, I didn’t like how reading changed me. Writing used to be easier for me but when I started reading last year, I had difficulty finding my own words. I stopped writing until I finished my 52-book goal. It was then that I found confidence to start Sunny Someday. yiheeeee.
Also, I gained new friends, more friends because of this blog and more friends because of new officemates. Of course, new friends will mean less time for others, but you guys know that I always pray for you, that wherever you are, I’m hoping it is sunny out there. 🌞
In the next years of my life, I vow not to make everything about myself anymore. I will continue to do good things for other people but it will be grander every year. I vow to change more lives especially the lives of children. I will read Narnia, Harry Potter and Percy Jackson. I will avail myself of St. Peter plan. Hehe. The list goes on and on.
The only things that I am not sure this year are the places I will go. But the only thing that is sure though is that wherever I will be, I will take the sun with me. 🌞
And I hope you guys do the same. I hope you live a genuine happy life. I hope you do something for yourself that will make you genuinely happy. If helping people makes you happy, then help people. If you want to travel, book that plane ticket now. If you want a boyfriend or a girlfriend but can’t find one, get a puppy. Just do something and do it now. For only you can save you. And I would very much like to see you happy and free.
I love you and have a sunny someday, okay?